I sat by my window. My exhausted face had stiffened, not one smile. My sad eyes stared into the dark, not one tear. My exploited heart felt petrified, not one emotion. My tired mind stared into the void, not one thought.
“What is it?” Gaia asked. “Leave me alone,” I replied. “Let me help you,” she tried again. “Leave — me — alone,” I said, this time my words threatened myself. “Child, … “ she began her next attempt. “Shut up,” I said. “Shut up and leave me alone. I have nothing. I feel nothing. I am nothing. And there is nothing to say.”
She would not let go. Without words, she came closer. I pushed her away like a wild animal. “Go!” Now I screamed. “Go away!”
She looked at me with her bright eyes, one of them — the left eye — looked like the sun, the other was the moon for sure. “I cannot go,” was what she whispered from further away. “I am only here because you are. If it was not for you, child, I would have long been gone.”
“Yeah right,” I thought to myself.
This is exactly, what my clients and friends keep telling me these days. They talk about dying, about leaving earth. They question the purpose of being here. They cannot see a reason for being. They struggle and lack the joy of being human. Stiffened faces, sad eyes, petrified hearts, emotionless minds. And I, I cannot hold the space for them much longer. I try. I do try. I need support.
“Julia,” I hear them say so often, “if it was not for my child (or for my spouse or my dog or my parents and who- or whatever else), I would have long been gone, and I mean not into another country, I rather mean away completely, away from this world.”
“Then go.” I said to Gaia. “Go. I do not need you. No one needs you. We all are tired of life as it is anyhow.”
The glow left her eyes. Moon and sun disappeared. Cold dark holes stared at me.
Then it all went fast. Something hit me, I fell hard on the ground, it was too cold to breathe or get up or even move. Then the floor seemed to turn upside down and I fell again, seemingly endlessly I fell while I heard her repeat in an unpleasant voice into my ears: “If you have no reason to live, then I have none as well. Goodbye human child, goodbye mother earth.”